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- How many ways there is to drink booze?
- Three ways. With water, without water and like water.
- Why people drink so much of red wine?
- They believe it won't show in blood test.
- What's the difference between drunk and alcoholic?
- Drunks don't have to go to the weekly meetings.
- What is the best cure for hangover?
- Vomiting.
- What to do if vomit won't come?
- Put one finger in your ass and another finger in your throat.
- What to do if that won't help?
- Change the fingers.
What's the worst in hangover?
- First you're afraid you're going to die. Then you're afraid you don't.
What is the Sputnik Cocktail?
- Fill the glass with half of vodka and half of water. Drink half. Put more vodka.
Continue this until your head starts to peep.
John Smith was in a party, drunk as a skunk, and asked from the host:
- I'm sorry to ask this, but do cucumbers have wings?
- Of course not.
- Then I'm afraid I just squeezed your parrot in my drink.
- I'm not going to drink beer anymore, it has estrogen in it.
- Estrogen in beer? Why do you say so?
- Well, after you drink ten beers you can't talk reasonably or drive a car.
- Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of alcohol.
Drunk took a taxi and said:
- Drive to Main Street.
- But we are already on Main Street.
- Good, but don't drive so fast next time.
- I'm not so think as you drunk I am!
Two drunks are wondering how they can cross the river.
- Hey, I light my electric torch and you walk across the river on the beam.
- No way, I won't take that risk. I'm sure in halfway you shut the torch off.
Two drunks were walking on the street when they found a can of rocket fuel.
They were thirsty so they drank it all.
Next morning other drunk's phone started ringing.
- Have you been on the toilet? asked first drunk
- No.
- Don't go there. I phone from Tokyo.
Doctor stares John Smith who is shaking and sweating.
- Now, tell me straight, do you have a problem with alcohol?
- N-n-not at all, but that-that-hangover is pain in the ass!
- We drink rum and tea every evening with my wife.
- Really, is that a good combination?
- Wonderful. Wife drinks tea and I drink rum.
Paddy is driving home after downing a few at the local pub.
He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path.
He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer the luv 'o God Paddy, that's yer air freshener hanging from the mirror!
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